Most psychological issues are part of a wider pattern, whether we are looking at difficult emotions, behavioural patterns, or issues in relationships or our careers. How we see and interact with the world is due to our own programming and conditioning. From childhood we have slowly formed our view of the world, shaped by our parenting, environmental circumstances and biological pre-dispositon. These factors slowly crystalize our nature over the years strengthened and reinforced both from events, but also us looking for evidence to support our beliefs. 

 So over time we develop these life themes, common patterns which we carry around with us.  Imagine you are  wearing an orange pair of spectacles, and everywhere looks orange. The same is true here, we literally see the world as we are.  The interesting thing is there are many things we actively do to manage and maintain our unhelpful patterns. During my therapeutic process we spend time mapping and understanding those different mechanisms. But I would like to share one mechanism in particular. 

 In Rational emotive Behaviour therapy ( the original CBT) and something I did my MSc in we learn about the primary should or the primary demand. At the source of any issues or problem you have there is a primary belief, that has been there since childhood. It is this primary thought form which orientates much of the problem you are dealing with. In the therapy process we will zero on this primary belief, and get a sense of the role it plays, as it will generally animate the rest of your being and structure. The primary demand is a rigid, dogmatic belief, it is unflexible, and unwilling to adapt. Unlike nature which is always adapting and evolving our dogmatic thoughts can stay crystallized in time. 

 The primary demand will be a ‘should, have to, shouldn’t, must or must not’, type of thought. For example if there is a fear of abandonment in a relationship there might be the belief ‘ I must avoid being rejected at all costs’, or ‘I must not do anything that will cause my partner to leave me’. Other beliefs might be ‘I must not be vulnerable’. At the root of things in general there is an avoidance of something, a fear or worry. That for many will spend a life time avoiding, and covering up. 

The strange thing is that most believe that their avoidance is helping them. But more often than not, the truth is that avoidance makes the problem worse, and also keeps the pattern stuck.  We are generally programmed and conditioned to avoid what it is we fear, this is then kept in place by defence mechanisms, along with this primary demand. So how do we get to that primary demand, how do we get to the root, and heart of it all. That is something we do in therapy and coaching. 

But for the time being you can reflect on any issue you are dealing with. What are you trying to avoid, what are you fearful of happening, what are doing best to stop happening? Alternatively ask yourself what you need or should happen, and what will happen if the opposite happens. If what we are afraid of actually happens, most of us will tell a story of how bad and terrible things would be. 

Supporting our rigid primary demands, we then support these with rules and assumptions. Assumptions are when we assume something to be true without any sufficient evidence. This is something that most humans do, but naturally the assumptions designed to protect us from our fears will avoid this conversation all together. So how is a rule and assumption structured.

We might say ‘ If I am open with someone, then they will leave me’, or ‘ If I show someone who I am they will no longer love me’. So we will start the thought form with ‘If I do (x) then (Y) will happen. ‘If I loose my job then that will prove I am a failure’. There are literally thousands of combinations of rules and assumptions. So again I would encourage you to reflect on your own challenges and consider what your pattern is. 

 When I work with my clients I spend  time carefully mapping the key aspects of their patterns, in bringing awareness to the way they structure their world allows us to slowly untangle and free up any knots or blocks they have been dealing with. As we bring new awareness to any problem, it generally slowly unravels itself.